I'm going to jail i love you
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
