if you like me you must not know who I am
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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