I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
