sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
