At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
