i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
