I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
