the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
