69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
