Ambien. No doubt about it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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