Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
