He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
