i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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