He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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