I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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