I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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