I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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