My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
