I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
