I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
