I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
