Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
