I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
