Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
