Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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