I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i came on her dog
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
