Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Randomize
