ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
