how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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