You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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