But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
