I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
