New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
