I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
