I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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