You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
