Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
