I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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