He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
