He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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