Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
