He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Ladies don't puke and tell
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
