My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
