Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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