it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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