Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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