Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Randomize
