Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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