Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
