she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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