There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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