if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
