Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
